You Must Not Really Want It!

I’ve changed a lot in my life. Anyone that knows me, or of me, knows about the 150 lbs I lost after growing up obese. Some people know about how I recovered myself from chronic anxiety, negativity and fear based living. Others are aware that I transformed a lot in my social and romantic life. And still others are familiar with the fact that I up and quit a 14-year career without knowing what the hell I was going to do next and successfully started a coaching business.

With so much of my life being focused on how we change, I’ve become aware of the misconceptions, misunderstandings and outright lies that surround the concepts of change, transformation and creation.

In this series of blog posts, I will expose some of the more popular bullshit about change. Each post will have a concept to digest and/or an example from my own life or from a client’s work.

Today’s Topic — Change is Easy if Your Really Want It

A lie that I’m tired of hearing from change agents and thought leaders is this. “If you really wanted it enough, you would have already changed” or “Change is easy and flows naturally when you really want it or are ready for it.”

I’m going with a big fat BULLSHITon this one!

I absolutely agree that we can hit states of flow and create an upward spiral of transformation when we are deeply connected to and aligned with our goals for change. Frankly if you don’t want it very badly it isn’t going to happen. Deep desire is a key ingredient for short term or sustainable change but it’s just one ingredient…like the salt in your stew.

And sometimes we can want change VERY, VERY badly and be very, very ready for it but there is this pesky challenge we must contend with.

Welcome to the party with your competing commitments.

What are competing commitments? They are the energies, ideas, beliefs, emotions, roles, responsibilities and actual commitments that keep us from moving towards a goal or keep us feeling stuck. If you’ve ever said any of the following, you have had intimate contact with your competing commitments.

“I know what to do, I’m just not doing it.”

“I paid for the course thinking that spending money would make me complete it. Boy was I wrong.”

“I’ve had that on my to do list forever…I just don’t seem to get to it.”

“I’m struggling to make this choice.”

Competing commitments could be as easy as wanting to be on a diet, but loving chocolate cake. These two internal drives compete.

Surface level competing commitments are when you want to go on vacation during the same month as a work conference and have to make a choice. Or when you buy a book you are really excited to read but end up binge watching Homeland instead.

A very common competing commitment is when someone wants a life partner or a deeply loving relationship very badly but has had very challenging experiences with love. They crave the relationship, and the love they might feel, but consistently find ways to avoid intimacy, pull away when things get real or down right avoid situations where they might find that partner.

Often it is complex and under our normal state of consciousness. For example I’ve been peeling back my own competing commitments around money. I want to double my income and when I set myself up with the action plan that I believe will lead me towards this, I struggle to complete what looks like a doable plan.

While working with my coach I realized that one commitment is to double my income but deep down I’m driven by freedom of time and a calm state of body and mind. Part of me believes I’d have to sacrifice my freedom of time and work really hard, taking my mind and body out of a more consistent relaxation response. So unconsciously I was avoiding choices that would lead to my success.

Now factor in my old beliefs about myself “I’m not one of those guys who makes several hundreds of thousands of dollars” and my beliefs about wealthy people “They don’t know what is important and sacrifice health and relationships for money” and now I’ve got a 2, 3 or 4 against one competition.

Having exposed these, created new beliefs and keeping them out in front of me, I’ve been crushing my business action plan with consistency.

Let me share an example from some recent client work.

I’ve got a client who is a fucking badass. He is currently touring the world after negotiating a full year of remote work with his employer. Baller shit! He has been into the world of personal development for over a decade. In all of this time he has heard over and over again how the power of morning routine could change his life, but he has yet to commit to a routine.

He tells me that he wants to commit to a routine, so we spend a whole session creating his menu of options, refining it into a routine and setting specific times for when he will do each item.

He begins the process and it works out for a few days. Then he runs into trouble. His life has so many variables right now. He is traveling with a program and wants to go on the activities with his cohort. Sometimes they are in the morning during his routine window. His work also has him supporting personnel all across the globe. He wants to be seen as a “good manager” so desires to be available during the times when they need him. Also sometimes within that morning routine window.

So he’s fucked, right?!? This is where most people would derail and forget the routine. Even worse, people often then think they are a failure or that there is something wrong with them. The shame either bubbles under the surface and sacrifices esteem or explodes in self loathing and we regress or treat someone in our lives poorly in an interaction by projecting our shit onto them.

Not my clients!

He and I pulled out the competing commitments. He values flexibility. He has old beliefs about how the “cool kids” sleep in. We expose these and bring them into the light.

He wants to be seen as a “good manager”. Often competing commitments take the form of wanting to be seen internally or externally a certain way. (Let’s break that down further in another post.) So we unpack what a “good manager” really is to him and burst his unrealistic expectations and create new, responsible and more realistic expectations.

Now to make this actual plan work, with my help he decides that as long as he gets everything on his morning routine list done before 2pm, he’s fine with that and will still reap most of the benefits. Additionally we talk about when he is no longer in the type of position he is in and traveling the world that he can return to a more structured and warrior like routine. But for now accomplishing these self-care and growth oriented tasks daily is far more important that wearing the badge of “morning routine champion”.

The key here is that we are shitty at seeing our own blind spots. This is why those that excel in any industry, community or even relationships have help from coaches, trainers or groups.

If you are tired of saying you want to change but not being able to make it happen on your own, first please recognize that you are normal and there is nothing wrong with you, then reach out to work with me.

It’s your turn.

https://www.joebernsteincoaching.com/work-with-me/