She is Not A Formula. Neither Are You.
“So Joe. Can we take a minute and talk shop before the concert?” (Client)
“Sure. What’s on your mind?” (Me)
I’d decided to invite a client out to a concert I knew we’d both enjoy. He just signed up to do a 3rd round of long term coaching with me. He’d just finished his divorce a couple of months ago. He’d just had some very successful dates after being married for years. He’d just gotten back into the bedroom with a woman that he really enjoyed. There have been several milestones of growth and evolution the last couple of months.
All of this was worth celebrating, so I invited him out.
“So both of these woman that I was dating have recently either told me that they aren’t in a good place to date or have pulled away a little. I know that it’s about them and not me per se, but I’m also sure I’ve done something wrong.”
He proceeded to go over all of this crap that he had learned from reading books by dating coaches, relationship therapists or that I had said at one point. He was spinning and trying to figure it out.
It was clear that he wanted to know exactly what he had done wrong so that he could make sure to correct the behavior. He had turned women into a formula and after being hurt so badly, when his ex wife left him, he wanted to know how to “get it right” and “have the upper hand”.
“My book said that women like this and to never do that. My therapist told me there are two kinds of women to date. This podcast said that if you always say X, you’ll do well.”
I told him to get his head out of his ass. (A bit more politely than that) Stop trying to apply formulas to himself, to women and to life. Acknowledge that each human is unique, each situation is different, each relationship or connection is like a snowflake and as much as I’d wanted to help him feel better in that moment, I knew that was not my job.
My job was to help him navigate life in a way that provided him evolution from his anxious and confused state and liberation from the ways of being that led him towards a painful path in his marriage.
He wasn’t thrilled but I could see in his eyes that he understood. He knows that people aren’t formulas and that even though he gets rewarded handsomely in his business for “getting it right and figuring it out” that his desire to unlock the secret formula is exactly what has kept him from being in a loving relationship with women in the past.
I remember when I was still trying to figure it all out.
Women.
Dating.
Sex.
Friendship.
Health.
Happiness.
Anxiety.
Business.
Me…
I thought that if I just learned enough, I could get it all right and live happily ever after. I thought that if I figured out the formulas that I could avoid uncertainty, fear, pain and loss. In the effort to get stronger, I was only seeking a path that would limit my options so that I don’t “fail”. In essence I was becoming even more fragile in my path to gain ultimate certainty and strength.
We are taught to do this in our world. We are rewarded for being good at math, science, history and english. In our upbringing and foundational molding from school and religion we are always shown and taught that there is one right answer. We were being trained to function well within academia and capitalism and it felt good to have ultimate certainty…even when we were scolded for being wrong…it’s expected and predictable.
There is only one problem with that training.
She is not a formula.
You are not a formula.
Health is not a formula.
Relationships are not a formula.
Love is not a formula.
Success is not a formula.
Life is not a formula.
The happiness, success or fulfillment you seek is more complex than that. It takes more emotional courage than figuring out a formula. It takes learning to live with uncertainty and connecting more deeply with our humanity.
So if you are a man stuck in the world of formulas and you are unhappy with your love life, health, sex life, relationships, social life or feeling unfulfilled by all of your knowledge or success…
I’ve got news for you. It’s time to change.
So how do you change?
You learn to experience your emotions, you learn patience, you learn presence, you learn mindfulness, you gain courage, you plug into intuition, you slow the fuck down and experience life, you become a student of yourself and of other people. And you do so without trying to apply ultimate knowledge, certainty or formulas.
If you can learn to orient towards what feels authentic, vulnerable, liberated, alive and whole, you will have the experiences you want in this life.
I don’t have a formula to teach you, that will get you there. I do have the capacity to create a transformative relationship and guide you towards more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.
Formulas and figuring it out have gotten you this far, but now that same orientation to life is getting in your way. Reach out to learn about working with me.
It’s your turn.